Divorce Chronicles

Ugh! The D word. That thing that no one likes to talk about and dissect (unless of course they're talking about someone else's shit show, then it's okay). There are obvious and 'acceptable' (by society's standards) reasons to get a divorce... abuse, finding out the other person is a criminal and has stolen all of your money, (or a serial killer, you can definitely divorce then) but that's about it. Cheating.. what is to be done when someone cheats? I mean views have very much changed on divorce from 40 years ago (ask your grandparents) but cheating is still one of those 'work through it' things. "Well did you talk about it?" "I'm sure it can be worked through." "If you still love him it's worth the work, that's part of marriage." But, you know what? I LOVE MYSELF MORE! -and- cheating is NOT acceptable and you should not be made to feel like any less of a person because of someone else's inability to put their spouse first and have human decency.

Three types of cheating:

1.*Physical* (now, every person reading this will have their own opinion and that is perfectly fine, but this is how I see things....) this is a oops I got shit faced and someone was rubbing up on me at a bar and my homies didn't see what was happening to keep my mind right so we had sex in the bathroom. Drinks were right, music was right, lighting was right, her outfit was right and bam you're a cheater. This type of cheating should never happen because we are adults and should know our limits and have respect for the person we are married to but, this is the type of cheating that could get one free pass in my mind. It was completely unmeditated and unplanned and if they are divulging what happened right after it happened and they feel like complete shit then maybe your marriage has the ability to work (if you keep up with communication and are made to feel like a queen because of their remorse).

2. *Physical 2.0* This was planned. Sneakiness has happened and it was in the works for a bit before the actual cheating occurred. (However, this is not to be confused with the next, more elaborate type of cheating) Your spouse is hiding their phone from you, their social media, but the conversations they're having are primarily primal and sexual. A more escalated level than our first 'physical' type of cheating. Where do you go from here? Can this be fixed? Is there a lack of physical connection and something that can be done to make both partners happy again? Each case would be so individualized that I guess it would depend on many circumstances. Are they willing to go to therapy? I think that would be a huge dealbreaker because clearly there's some shit that needs worked through.

3. *Emotional* Now this is the killer. There is more than a physical connection. This is the one where they have a whole new phone to get in contact with someone that you didn't know about. They tell you they're talking with their mother when you wonder why the call is taking so long (because mother in laws do take forever on the phone, right?). They are acting different at home, but you can't quite put your finger on what is happening because they are keeping up their act. However, instead of telling you what the issues in your marriage, they are telling them. This other person is getting the time and energy your marriage deserves to get. This is the most ultimate betrayal of trust. Unless there is some crazy emotional break and psychiatric help stepping in here, then drop that son of a bitch and sign up some papers!

Can a good person be a cheater? I believe that a good person can have a Type 1 Physical slip up and still be a good person. If they were truly caught up in pheromones and it was someone they never will see again and they apologize, blah, blah, blah then you know what, here's your one free pass. Now, think of all the people you deal with on a daily basis. Drive-thru workers, cashiers, dentists, I am sure they are all good at those things and I'm sure some of them have been cheaters (hopefully before they were married and not while they were married but it is what it is). At the playground with your kids, there are other mothers and fathers around with their children, chances are that some of them may be cheaters. Now, that doesn't make them any less of a parent, actually they may be the most amazing parent you've seen in a while. HOWEVER; the cheater has now become a terrible spouse and a terrible friend. Period. Point blank. A good person, a good friend, a good spouse does not ever intentionally do something to break trust. And once cheating occurs, trust is out the window. So, you be the judge...can a good person betray and belittle someone whom they vowed to cherish forever?

If you are the spouse that has been cheated on you need to understand that you are not the problem. There may have been things that you contributed to in your marriage that 'led to their cheating', but we are grown ass adults and should act as such. There should always be enough respect in a marriage (til death do you part) to have the communication with your partner about whatever is weighing you down. Depending on the type of cheating is usually related to either the emotional or physical issues that the culprit is dealing with but does not have the courtesy to bring to light.

When is divorce okay? When you are done being disrespected. When you realize that you are the most important person and that you should be happy. Now, some would say (typically males) that if that's the case then the cheating could be justified because they were only acting out since there was something in their marriage making them unhappy. You know what? A marriage is not all rainbows and butterflies. So, guys (or gals if you're the one thinking about cheating), put on your big boy pants and TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE! I cannot stress enough the fact that communication is key in a relationship. Your spouse is likely not a mind reader (badass if they are though!!) so unless you express yourself and I mean sit down, childless if you have children, and hash out your issues. Don't just nonchalantly mention you're upset about something in passing on your way out the door to work. Use some common sense here and make sure each person knows what the hell is going on. {Bypass all previous steps if you are being abused; do whatever you can do to get the fuck out and get yourself to safety}

Do NOT FOR A SECOND feel as though you are a failure if your marriage fails! Especially if you have been abused or betrayed. I mean, did your marriage really fail anyway? NO. It happened, it was a lesson you were meant to live, there were (hopefully) many good experiences that came from it and now you are emerging stronger than ever!

You are worthy of love and commitment. You are more than enough. You are love. Do not ever let the opinions of others keep you stuck and unhappy. Lesson learned, moving on. Thank you for following my divorce chronicles!

Alexa, play "Sis, you a bad bitch" by Shariya Wise

So much love to you!

Jessica