Get what you deserve?

Moving through cycles of self-loathing. Relationship stuffs

Hey Alexa play You Get What You Give by New Radicals

So you're in a shitty place and you have a great support person telling you "I'm sorry that happened to you, you didn't deserve that." Hell yeah that's what I needed to hear! But, ya know what?! I'm having a mood. Somewhere between owning that my actions caused my fate and also woe is me why did this happen?! So, I shoot back with "I did deserve it, I took their kindness for granted. It is what it is." And while I feel that statement is still valid it got me thinking... What do we 'deserve' in relationships... if anything at all?

Is it some sort of instant karma? Or is life throwing us curveballs so we recalibrate and move in a different direction to get back on the right path?

This splits me into two categories: mental health and relationships. (Thank you for joining me on the slippery slope that is my mind.)

I hate getting into a space where I shut down any sort of help and positivity that is coming into my life. Fuck you, let me be in a mood, I deserve to be in this dark, heavy space. I put myself here to wallow in my own pity... to become the victim. Depending on my cycle, depending on the stars and the planets BOOM: time to really take all the punches life has thrown at me and feel the bruises. Let me feel the pain that I think I deserve, I am no angel, let karma have its way.

Let's define Deserve; verb do something or have or show qualities worthy of (reward or punishment).

Mental Health: If you have any sort of neurodivergence or mental health disorder... I am here to tell you it is plenty okay to take space for your feelings and allow them to come up. Feel that emotion and find a healthy way to move it out of your body... dance, draw, EFT tap it out. MOVE THAT SHIT! I find that it's easiest for me to decide on an amount of time when I am in a good headspace to allow for the shitshow and then make the move to change it. For example, I like to give myself an hour at most {for any given issue} to sit in my bad mood and just feel it. Set a timer when you notice it coming on, go through every shitty scenario, cuss out all the peoples, journal, listen to that low vibe emo shit....

Alexa play Last Resort by Papa Roach

<<Personally, I find that rocking some emo music from my high school days lets me connect to the negativity and misery I may be feeling in a light manner because I remember being all emo over stupid boys and unnecessary 16 year old crap.>>

Que All the Same by Sick Puppies, My Own Worst Enemy by Lit, Liar by Taking Back Sunday, Remember to Feel Alone by Armor for Sleep, I'm Not Okay by My Chemical Romance and Tears Don't Fall by Bullet For My Valentine....

Imma pout, sit with my blankie, disassociate for a few, probably eat some chocolate because I be needing the dopamine..

Alright bish... hour is up, big girl, positive, elevated spiritual shit about to take over!!

Alexa play You Can Do It by Ice Cube {Don't judge}

Relationships:

How do we find that balance of getting what we need out of a relationship and also allowing for the ebb and flow that is changing and growing? This is such an expansive question. It all depends on how you view yourself. What do you see when you look in the mirror? In the worst headspace are you still the shit or are you unworthy?

I had a warped view about my value in my previous relationship, mostly because I stuck around through a bunch of crap so I felt entitled to have my ass kissed for the foreseeable future.... this is not the way young padawan. I realized early on in my divorce that I was never taught how to take ownership of my own feelings or give my self the love and care I needed to be positive in my skin. These are the parts of loving and learning about ourselves that is of the utmost importance to have a healthy relationship with us and others. I see my divorce as a way of getting my life back on track. I never really knew myself and I was not able to figure myself out when I was in that relationship so I needed to realign.

Here is what I have come to know as true: we all deserve the basic needs in a relationship (love, a safe space to be yourself, respect) and that's about it. You are not owed anything; this is not a game to keep score. It's also important to realize in relationships if you put yourself on a pedestal, you are limiting so many types of love that you need that you're unaware of. Be aware that change is usually difficult, and it tends to take a bit of time to really implement a new thought pattern. Have patience with yourself.

Now, DO NOT SETTLE! Make a list of things you desire in a partner and use that to manifest the person of your dreams. Also allow for the beautiful flow that is life to happen, be grateful for the relationships around you and the lessons they have taught you {good and bad}. DO realize that it is a give and take in a healthy relationship. We all have baggage and deserve a safe relationship to unpack that and truly be ourselves (mental health and all). Healthy relationships take compassion, understanding and awareness and that is something we all deserve!

Let's switch back to that relationship we have with ourselves...

You are a boss bitch, whatever gender you identify as! You should be living your best possible life... your hopes and dreams... all attainable, you are a force to be reckoned with! Take time for self care daily! I don't mean the superficial shit or just getting the luxury of the bath, I'm saying look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself how awesome you are, words of affirmation.. make a healthy meal to help your physical and mental health.

Let's move some energy around... Alexa play Get What You Give by Felix Cartal....close your eyes and feel it.

(I can only take in my past and my present to gather data here)

Thank you for sharing this space with me! Namaste.