When a Relationship Ends: Divorce Chronicles

When a relationship ends there are suddenly copious amounts of emotion. Likely more emotion than you ever thought you would have to feel. What do you do?

Maybe you want to crawl under a rock, maybe you turn to substances to help numb the feelings, maybe you throw yourself into a new project. Maybe you work on your new project under a rock while drinking? Whatever your initial reaction it is important to pull yourself from the depths of despair and woman up. We all have to find a healthy way to cope, even though it usually doesn't start out that way. (Maybe journaling, seeing a therapist, drawing, etc.)

Dynamics of every relationship can be so different that it's hard to pinpoint where and when things started to fall apart. And while it seems like you must know the exact moment (as if you could go back in time and change it or as if you would then know if the relationship was a lie) it really doesn't matter. This piece of relationship review doesn't seem to be as productive as looking at the larger picture and the outside influences that caused extra stress.

Even if you were not necessarily the party that chose the split up, your actions throughout the relationship are important to review. This is that inner battle; mud, flames, ashes, and eventually rebirth. You will struggle with guilt and the feeling of it all being your fault. You will likely hate yourself and hate anyone who gets in the cross hairs while the end is fresh. However, there will be a turning point when you realize that being selfless for so long deserves a little selfishness. Although this should not come with hurting others along the way, there must be a moment when you realize you need to find yourself and become the person you truly want to be.

Another lovely part of going your separate ways is the blame.

We must all be held accountable. This does not mean blame. Things happen and, as much as we wish for them to be different sometimes, there's no going back. Blame is the quickest way to continually bring negativity into your life. Our actions and reactions shape all of our relationships, so being sure to radiate as much positivity (even if it's fake in the beginning) will help bring us peace within.

Part of growing is evaluating your part in the relationship. They could have given you their all for years and years and you weren't effectively communicating your appreciation in their love language. Miscommunication is a relationship killer for sure.

When you are in a relationship with someone who has never healed from their childhood trauma things will be rough. This is not someone's "fault", no one should be made to feel guilty about the coping mechanisms they have picked up during their childhood. Being aware of your own darkness and areas where you overcompensate is important so you can keep yourself accountable for your actions.

Forgiveness is key. (This does NOT mean that you agree with how you were treated.). This simply means that you hold no ill will for someone. This includes yourself. FORGIVE YOURSELF! Relationships are meant to happen to teach us about ourselves. No matter how much pain you have caused (knowingly or unknowingly) there needs to be a sincere apology. Then, forgive yourself for acting the only way you have known how to and then: do better. Be better for you and be better for the next relationship that comes along.

I think what I am trying to get at here is that we all have to work on our self-first. In a relationship or after one ends, all the time, every day. Every person deserves to be happy. We owe it to ourselves to create our happiness within.