_edited.png)
Hey Alexa play All Falls Down by Alan Walker
When is the guard too high? When is it too late to turn back? What about forgiveness?
When you get into a relationship young and don't have the chance to figure out who you are, there will be many trials and tribulations. For many relationships this works well and for some, it does not. What a beautiful thing to be a part of the many rather than the few. Those of us who have grown from teenagers into adults with our significant other, I feel, can relate to this on a whole other level. As an adult you generally have an idea about what you're wanting in life and in a relationship, so those are the things that you actively seek. However, when you're a teenager in a relationship it could be over something as silly as liking the way his shirt meets his pants (don't judge). Who are you at that point in your life? Maybe you're focused on your plans for after high school, maybe it's just the next bonfire you'll be drinking around or who's going to buy you some Blue UV...point is: you're not likely planning a family, buying a house or other major life choices. People grow and change and that's what is supposed to happen. But sometimes relationships run before they walk. Sometimes little relationships turn into huge commitments early on because adult choices needed to be made at a young age. This is the path I have quite a bit of experience in...
If you don't want my life story please continue ahead to the next pink section!! If you're taking a stroll down memory lane then Alexa play When Your Heart Stops Beating by +44
Cue 'emo' Jessica (my memory, not the most emo but a teeny bit)...I was on the dance team in high school and this cute guy who seemed a little obsessed with me played soccer. He liked some of the music I liked and he seemed a little rebellious and he was so sweet to me even though I was a bitch. (not directly to him, just in general). We hit it off for a week my sophomore year of high school and then I left him to get back with my ex who promised he would change (why do all the exes creep back!?). Fast forward to junior year of high school when I was astounded he could still hate me for breaking his heart. Now, since he didn't like me, I knew I had to get his attention once more. Cue school girl skirts and a bunch of other bad wardrobe choices to get attention. And BAM, like that, inseparable. And then a few short months later BAM, like that, we found out I was pregnant. So this could go a few different ways, but I knew right away that I was having the baby and I gave him the ultimatum to 1.stay, 2.go or 3.do you boo boo and come back when the baby's due. He's too nice of a person to leave me in this state and he loves me with all his heart so together we have been. When our daughter was 3 months old we found out that she was blind and had quite a few disabilities. We were in the hospital with her during my fiancés birthday and she was released the day before we got married. I was 17, he just turned 18. I have no doubt in my mind that I married him because he was the love of my life, not because we had a baby. Shit did we have a lot to learn. Then we got pregnant with our second daughter, my mother passed away, and we moved to Washington because he joined the Army. There were ups and downs and three more children added through the years and a few more moves plus a skoolie build. Before I knew it we were "adults".
Alexa, play All You Need is Love by The Beatles.
It has taken a huge hit to my marriage for me to be able to step back and analyze things. Neither of us ever really grew up, sure we both matured (mainly me lol) but we were both stuck in patterns that we learned in high school because we never grew into ourselves as our own people. When you have been in a cycle in your relationship you can quickly get stuck going through the motions. Does that mean you didn't love each other? Not at all, but it does definitely cause toxicity and over time if that is not realized and worked on you can get into a place where neither person wants to fix their own shit. Who's to blame? Honestly, both of you, but the blame game is not a mature way to handle this situation. We are only responsible for ourselves and how we act (which can be a difficult pill to swallow) so, not getting help for ourselves so we can be the best us in our partnership leads us to our own demise. Owning your mistakes is a part of personal growth for sure but understanding them and learning from them are even more crucial for a happy relationship.
LOVE... there is not enough love in this world. Love comes in many forms and that is a beautiful thing, but it is not taken into consideration nearly enough. I love my children, unconditionally, I love my friends, I love my brother (even though he is my polar opposite), I love my coworkers and my yogis. You should never feel afraid to love others. It can hurt when the different types of love blur into one another, but we should NEVER not want to feel love because we were hurt before. Loving yourself is so important as well! Compromise is one thing, but NEVER give yourself away to the point where you are not loving yourself right.
How to realize you've fallen out of love.... "out of love" as in romantic/relationship love... The look is different. Anyone who has been in love knows the look I speak of; when you glance at your partner and just think "damn, I am so in love with him/her". When you say "I love you" and are looking in their eyes, you can feel that something is off if that romantic love is missing.... and sometimes... the damage it too great and too fresh to feel in love again. This is okay. You will be okay. Losing that feeling for your partner after they have caused you great hurt is normal and something you shouldn't beat yourself up about. Eventually you will be ready to move on and feel love for someone else when you are ready to trust. This upset you're feeling will pass and love for yourself with guide you through the pain.
Forgiving someone for how they have treated you is a lot easier said than done. The concept makes sense to most, but how do you carry out the action? For me, I have to try to put myself in that person's shoes. We only act on things we know in that present moment, or things that we perceive are real. Once we know better we can do better and be better. It may seem as though I justify the actions of the person who I'm trying to forgive (and maybe that has some truth) but to me it is about understanding. When you are able to understand other people's actions it can help to forgive because you can be more empathetic. Forgiveness does NOT mean you approve of the behavior, it DOES mean that you are releasing their hold over your emotions. And that is KEY to moving on and releasing someone else's hold over you. A common issue that arises when we work on forgiveness of those who have done us wrong is actually forgiving ourselves. Forgiving others is definitely the easier of the two, but not actually forgiving ourself will build up and cause problems later on.
Hey, Alexa, play Black as Night by Nahko
Accepting the fact that relationships are here for us to learn from, either while we're in them or later on is a perspective shift from what we generally grow up believing. We always hear that relationships are hard work, but not that they provide us with inner work constantly. Make sure the relationship you are in brings value to your life. Not in the monetary sense at all, but in the emotional sense. Does their presence bring you peace? Are you able to be yourself and communicate your feelings without judgement and fighting? Are you able to bring your own happiness and share it with your partner instead of relying on them to fill your cup?
Sit down with some paper and a pen and get your thoughts out, evaluate yourself and your relationship honestly, and make sure you do this before you run to someone else to "fix" you. Be courteous to your partner and grateful for life.
Thank you for your continued support with the Divorce Chronicles!
Love and Light
Jessica
Comentários