When the Regret Sets In: Divorce Chronicles

If you are sensitive to language, stop reading now!

Alexa, play Until the Day I Die by Story of the Year. And YOU, reader, pour yourself a glass of wine or take a hit for this one.

When the person who fucked up the relationship wants back in. What do you do?

Motherfucker! You knew this was going to happen. Even those that pretend to be heartless will eventually realize they screwed up, they regret their actions, they wish they could take it all back. Blah blah blah, I mean we all knew that an epiphany would happen, but when and under what circumstances?

What if this change of heart happens before anything legal is set in place? What if you have kids to think about? What if you've already met a really great person that makes you feel happy and at peace with yourself, but you don't know where that relationship will go? The uncertainty can kill you (not really, but you feel me). But did you have any certainty in the relationship that just went south? I mean, marriage should be a forever thing..but your spouse didn't see it that way...so here you are.

Why do you care? Why does this choice mean so much? You were hurt, your were betrayed, you deserve the sun and the moon and you were treated like shit. You know in your head that it is over and there's no going back from what has happened. But that goddamn heart steps in and has you hopeful. Fucking hope. Hope: a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen -Merriam-Webster. In the worst situations, a glimmer of hope is enough to keep you going, but it can also be just enough to make you crumble. The little teensy ember is still there from this epic fire that burned for 12 years, through infatuation, lust, love, kids... where is the water to dump on this shit? Just put it out, forget it, it's over...you said you were done.. 12 years, 6 pregnancies, 5 kids, many moves, dogs and hairless cats, cars, jobs, military, living in a skoolie; a lot of shit...together. How can he drop it all?

Alexa, play Apologize by One Republic

You didn't ask for this hurt (maybe it's your karma for not being an upstanding person many moons ago, if you know who you are, I am sincerely sorry) but you got it, and even after you've been drug through the mud you still don't want to see your ex hurting, because it fucking hurts you too. This person was your best friend and maybe still is, so seeing them suffer is like a knife in your heart. (Why does the 'victim' always suffer more than once?!) But, they had their chance and they didn't choose you, they didn't choose to fight for the marriage, they chose to run away. And here we are with our damn hope, still hurting and feeling confused. Love man, for as beautiful as it can be, it can also be one ugly bitch.

Hey Alexa; play Stay Together for the Kids by Blink 182.

If you're separating and you have children... Everybody's circumstances are so different depending on living situations, amount of kids you have etc. But, as a child of divorce myself, I have a hard time not thinking about their needs over mine. Wanting so desperately to be in a relationship with your kid's father/mother is absolutely normal, but to stay in a relationship just for the kids is not healthy. Is that what this would be? Are you choosing the 'easy way' out because you know your children would love that? Or are you truly happier separated? In which case, getting back together isn't good for anyone.

So, you tried for a 'friend' but caught yourself falling HARD? You wanted that companionship you've been craving but knew there was emotional work that you needed to do because you were going through a breakup/divorce. How could you be so selfish? Thinking about your needs over someone else's, thinking you were strong enough to be in a relationship before everything was final. I DO NOT recommend finding someone right away, you need to work on yourself. Yes, I am a hypocrite, I am just warning that it can really mess with your mind if you haven't processed what you're going through beforehand. But, my energy changed, he seems so sincere, so accepting of my shit show and damn, it feels so good. How am I even questioning how happy I am with him?

Alexa; play Falling by Trevor Daniel. He is a great father, he is down to earth and calming, you're into so many of the same things it's like you're the same person, and BONUS, he sings and plays guitar. What about him? Before the ex crept back in you were so fucking committed to him. Dodging messages from other guys, friend zoning left and right, but the ex apologizes and you're questioning everything. (Bastard) You have put your faith and trust in someone else and it feels right, but what about the future? Plans? Goals? This was never meant to be a rebound, you don't feel like it's a rebound, but you don't know how to gauge his level of seriousness. Just fucking talk to him, but you don't want to hurt his feelings. Do normal adults with no mental health issues handle this type of information better than others or does it still mess them up too? It's only natural to question your options when the relationship you're coming out of was over a decade, but you know how hurt you would be if the situation was reversed. You would say fuck it and leave because you deserve better than someone who questions being with you! History...it boils down to history, memories of when times were good with the ex have you at a crossroads, but he made his choice and you deserve to be happy yourself and happy with someone else if they bring out the best in you.

How could the ex do this to you? Why do people insist on causing the most pain to those they love? Clearly mental health issues were involved (at least in my case) but those are things that can take years to work through. Are you willing to hold the ex's hand to work through their shit when you have your own issues to work on? Should you have to?, hell no! But are you willing to? Is this whole situation forgivable? Hey, Alexa; play Burn by Usher. Why are you wasting valuable energy on someone who caused you so much pain and was so disrespectful to you?

What do you want? Who do you want to be? What do you want your future to be? How fucking weird are those questions when you're not in your long-term relationship anymore? I? Me? Just what I want? That's such a weird thing to me because my relationship with my ex began in high school. So, for the last 12 years of my life since I was 16, it was "us" and "we", whether it was referring to just him and I or us and the kids. But now, I am first, I am in control, only me. That has to be a bizarre concept for others in long term relationships too, right?

NO matter the choice you make it is your life, you have to live it; not your family, not your friends or co-workers. It's hard to feel like anyone will accept you if you choose to go back, but their opinions are not something that should sway this decision you have to make. This is no easy feat, but it's all on you. It's so overwhelming, but big life decisions need to be made, before anyone else gets hurt.

So....what do you do? What will make YOU happy?

I wish I could enter a .gif here (because I am the queen of .gifs, in case you didn't know!) it would be of Kevin Hart saying "Somebody had to go". LOL please look up that skit on YouTube!

Even though we are often dealt more crap than we would like at any given time, the universe only gives us as much as we can handle. Take a moment to be here now, don't let your past or future cloud your judgement. Be present. So, talk to a therapist if you feel like you need it, make a list of pros and cons, meditate, soul search.... and then, decide.